Sunday, April 24, 2011

Exclusive: Plants and animals join forces with climate change deniers

A recent investigation reveals that the world's plants and animals have adopted a bold but risky strategy to save themselves from the ravages of global climate change. They have joined forces with the world's climate change deniers.

This reversal has curious origins and follows decades of diplomatic signals from the plant and animal kingdoms to the world's scientific community that climate change must be halted or there will be "serious consequences." The reversal of strategy began when domestic cats and dogs watched the Life After People series on The History Channel along with their putative owners. The cats and dogs then described scenes from the show to their wild counterparts. From there word swept through the animal kingdom and was overheard by many plants as well.

Life After People seemed like a utopian fantasy until some enterprising house plants realized that they might be able to set in motion events which would end the dangers that humans pose. The plants would make humans unwitting accomplices in their own extinction. It was a dangerous plan and one that would require considerable sacrifice among those in both the plant and animal kingdoms. When word of the plan spread far and wide, both kingdoms embraced it as the only path to survival for at least some species. Many realized they were doomed already; but if they could halt or even just reduce the extent of the Sixth Great Extinction, their actions would not be in vain.

Plants in elite greenhouses were recruited by dogs brought there by their putative owners. These greenhouses are ones that serve corporate clients in major cities, but especially the coal, oil, and natural gas industries. Once these plants arrived at various corporate headquarters, they began to send messages to the corporate executives using frequencies barely inside the audible range and at such a low volume as to be subliminal. The messages were broad-ranging and included the following:
  1. We plants love carbon dioxide.

  2. Warmer weather is fun. (This was used primarily on those in colder climates.)

  3. Climate change is natural.

  4. People will adapt.

Perhaps the most pernicious (and therefore effective) message on the list above was the last. But, representatives of the plant and animal kingdoms were at loggerheads over it for days as they deliberated in the coordinating council which eventually approved the plan. The animals argued that there should be no message concerning adaptation since bringing up this issue would only worry humans. The plants argued that most humans were stupid enough to believe they could overcome anything through their technology. Using the adaptation message would encourage humans to ignore even the most alarming evidence of climate change. The plants carried the day when they proposed to the animals that the plan focus on fossil fuel executives, thought to be the most gullible humans on Earth and some of the most powerful. The plants argued that these executives would hire many people to propagate the messages across the globe to other humans.

And, so like suicide bombers, knowing that many would be sacrificed in the mission to eliminate humans from the globe, the plants gradually populated major office buildings owned by the fossil fuel companies. They transmitted their messages from starting time in the morning until late at night to executives working long hours in their offices.

To the surprise and delight of both the plant and animal kingdoms, the plan worked exceedingly well. They began to see their messages in various forms everywhere in human society. The humans were so ingenious that they had disguised and enhanced the basic messages in ways not even conceived of by either the plants or the animals. The consensus that up to that point had been building to halt climate change--a consensus due in large part to the information both kingdoms had previously sent to scientists--was now being destroyed.

There was jubilation in the encampment of the coordinating council (though the sacrifices ahead tempered their celebration somewhat). Both kingdoms felt they had already accomplished their objective: the eventual extinction of human beings. The two kingdoms had demonstrated self-sacrifice and cooperation in ways that they were sure humans would never be capable of. They believed that humanity's fate was sealed.

But, will the discovery of and reporting on this diabolical plan now endanger its success? I asked a leading plant who wished not to be identified because he feared for his own safety. "Your reporting won't matter," he said. "All the climate change deniers we've been able to recruit in human society will drown out your story. And, they will, of course, argue that the whole report is nonsense because first of all, plants can't talk, and second of all, the plants told them that plants love carbon dioxide."

"But won't such statements seem a bit contradictory?" I inquired.

The plant just shook his flowering top. "You don't even understand human nature as well as we plants do."


P.S. If you are a climate change denier, before you comment on this post, read my Comments Policy. You may decide it's not worth your time to comment here.


Karen Chadwick said...

What a fresh viewpoint from Mother Earth herself! Original thinking here, Kurt, and an enjoyable, clever, and funny read! Keep going w/this, and maybe bring in the wind, sun and pollinators as troops in the cause! Tsunami is already doing her part!

Anonymous said...

Does that mean humans with the abilities and activity level of a vegetable continue to exist. Will this affect couch "potatoes" or are they immune to this diabolical plan?

Anonymous said...

Actually it is the grains that have enslaved humanity in order to fulfill their master plan--domination of the planet and colonization of other planets. The grains couldn't have done it themselves. They needed our tool-using capabilities to wipe out their vegetable competitors.

They got our brains hooked on the blood sugar spikes we get after eating them. Now no matter what we do, we will take them with us.

The major problem the grains have is whether we run out of the resources to maintain a complex grain-consuming society before we develop space travel.